Funny moments & "Isms"

I found a stash of funny moments and "isms". :) Enjoy!
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The rapture? That's where all the righteous people are taken up to heaven. If you can still read this tomorrow after 4pm mountain standard time SHAME ON YOU! SINNER!! That or some illogical idiot, who doesn't understand that if you look hard enough you can find patterns in anything, was wrong again.Nah. You're all going to hell. ~May 20, 2011
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"Give Santa Clause Thor's hammer, and elves with little tiny Iron Man suits, and we're talking about a new adventure!" ~Matt 11-23-2012
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Ordering pizza, Matt makes a quick spreadsheet of the pizza size and cost because "their prices are are a little screwy" so... what do you want? "I want a mathematician to fix their menu and I want it done now!" ~1/18/16
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"What if you're feeling something and there's not an emoji for it?" ~Matt 2/10/16
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Matt is having pizza for dinner. I'm enjoying my own Whole30 stir fry. As I refill my plate Matt says I can't have any pizza. "No?"

"No. Because I'm a jerk and I support you." ~4/18/16

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"If you get nervous around someone, imagine them at home folding socks." ~Matt 5-6-16
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When we found a headstone of one of Matt's ancestors in the Salt Lake City Cemetery, Matt decided he'd like his headstone to be a table with a 6:6 domino in the center with the saying "Play some Bones over my bones." ... I'll see what I can do, hon.
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Missed my train, so Matt and I went to 7-11 to get sodas... I'm wearing my hearing aid Bluetooth around my neck and the cashier asks what it is. Apparently she thought it was an alert system of some sort to call police or something. Aren't those for old people who fall down and can't get up? #dontknowhowIfeelaboutthis #deaflife
~6-10-16
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"If you are against shredded cheese because it goes bad too quickly and ends up wasting food, would you want to make America grate again?" ~Matt 7-20-16
________________________________________"When Beka tells me "No, you can't shave your head. It's bad enough that you shave your beard!" I'm reminded why I love that woman. She loves me just the way I am... when I'm at my laziest." ~Matt 8-8-16
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"If committing a crime while shooting a gun makes you a gunman, wouldn't beating someone with a bat make you a batman?" ~Matt 11-16-16________________________________________
"You know if you said 'Save our city Kryptonian Supergirl!' You said the acronym for S.O.C.K.S.?"  ~Matt 12-6-16________________________________________
QOTD: "Why is it when we're sick we sound like old smokers?" ~Matt 2-10-17
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On millennials saying "woke"
It usually means you are hyper-aware of social justice, institutional, or environmental problems. It comes from people saying "wake up" to those who are living in an idealized world. I halfway blame my generation for overusing "wake up". I imagine the first time "woke" was used in that context, the word bra was used in place of bro and someone said that being woke was toats luh-jih cray cray (totally legitimately crazy). We made up crap words too when we were young. I find it strange that as we age, we all tend to act like the previous generation did. It's a cycle, kids make up words, adults call them stupid for using made up words, kid grows up has more kids, repeat. I keep imagining Grandpa Simpson shaking his fist and saying "Darn kids and their new fangled words" whenever someone complains about it. ~Matt 5-23-17
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QOTD: "I think Godzilla should wear a shirt that says I'm big in Japan" ~Matt 7-24-17
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The Utah game was great. Beka kept asking me the whole game who was saying "sparkles" in a low monotonous voice. During the 3rd quarter we finally figured out that the voice she heard was the announcer and he wasn't saying "Sparkles" he was saying "Spartans". So from now on, any team named The Spartans shall be known as The SPARKLES! ~Matt 9/17/17 #deaflife

Matt ism of the day

I have to share this! There are many times when this wonderful man makes me laugh. He would make a great living as a stand-up comedian, I think. :D


Matt- Did you recently buy pistachios?

Me- ? no...

Matt- Smith's automatic recordings called. We bought some pistachio tainted with salmonella, actually it's only possibly contaminated. I think it was a long time ago. But they said we used our Smith's customer ID.

Me- .... ok. Well, it's nice to see the ID serving a useful purpose.

Matt- Yes. They let us know that the food we ate months ago might have killed us.

Sick gold fish and Matt-ism #3

Have you seen our goldfish? They're HUGE! They currently reside in a 50 gallon tank. The orange one is Little John (he used to be the biggest fish). The white one is Sushi. His orange stripes used to be more prominent. Looked like sushi to us. Don't worry. We have absolutely no intention of eating our fish.

Little John got sick again. We put in peas (the veggies help. When they try to eat the pea and spit it out it helps digestion issues. Matt describes it best when he says it's like popping your ears, but for fish.) and cleaned the water thoroughly. Well, Matt takes care of the tank. The water, the filter. I really appreciate him taking care of that. Like the rubix cube next to the tank? It's a clock and thermometer. We turned the heat on with the winter coming on and it got the water too warm. Now I wear socks instead of changing the temperature and the fish don't get sick. The sacrifices I make for your fish. Where's the gratitude?
Yesterday Little John wasn't swimming much. Sushi would stay next to him, sometimes help him get out from the corners. It was cute. Now Little John is swimming all over the place, bumping the sides. It's freaking out Minion (our algae eater. He's full grown... a whole inch long! You can see him, the little line in the bubbles, toward the top of the tank.).

It's nice to see Little John swimming again. He swims by the filter a lot. Matt says (Here's Matt-ism #3) "It's like a treadmill, but for fish."

Matt-ism #2

My husbands loves nothing better than to discuss (some would say debate, but I'm going to say 'discuss' as it implies a lack of hostility) heavy or controversial topics. We enjoy to discuss things in a way that it's an intellectual exercise, rather than one side trying to convert the other. Unfortunately, when Matt gets into a discussion with his peers, it turns into a debate.
Have you ever observed a debate? Do you notice that you can tell when a participate has lost the argument (this happens to both sides when observing a political debate, so let's just stick with science here) when they become defensive and emotional? Losing the argument doesn't mean their original point is the losing side, but their defense of it is now void because they have abandoned logic for emotion. This is why a discussion about global warming always turns into a heated debate with (at best) one side using logic and the other using emotion. Maybe instead of saying "using emotion" I could say they become "preachy". Ever observe that? Instead of a discussion it starts to sound like one person is trying to convert rather than persuade?

So, for our Matt-ism of the day:
"Nothing says 'crap science' like an overly aggressive, preachy atheist."

He would love to have a discussion about global warming or creationism with an atheist, provided they don't get aggressive or preachy. (Seriously, he loves to learn other points of view, and having someone intelligently articulate a different point of view than his, he finds really exciting.) Let's have a real discussion about things we disagree on rather than argue with a I'm-right-you're-wrong attitude.

End of soapbox.

Matt-ism #1

Part of why my life isn't boring is the frequent laughter in my conversations with Matt. In an effort to remember and save these moments, I'm going to start posting "Matt-isms". (If he actually posts on our blog, maybe there will be some Beka-isms, but until then... I don't say anything silly or hilarious.)

So, for our premiere funny, here's the scene:
End of a long day. I've picked Matt up from work and we're taking Foothill Drive to get on the freeway. The First Congregational Church on the west side of the street has a different motivational statement every time I drive by (it seems). On this particular day it said "Plant seeds of kindness and you'll reap happiness." That's a nice thought.
I read it out loud to Matt, who responded with "Sometimes you'll plant seeds of kindness and you'll get punched in the nose because some people are jerks." I laughed the rest of the way home. :)